This is a question that we ask ourselves, how are we doing? It is never about me, but us. As I have said, this illness does not like it when other people interfere with what it wants to do or how it wants to interact with the sufferer. You notice, I see this illness as a separate being, it is a bit ‘us’ and ‘it’.

The invisible enemy and friend – I say friend because my son sadly sees his illness as oddly supportive of his anxieties serving the function of containing his overwhelming feelings, obsessive compulsive thoughts and vulnerabilities. I understand this scenario -isn’t it the case that we all to some degree have to have a level of containment in order to function. Illness, I guess,  is when it takes over and we are dictated to and our days are taken over in a way that we are controlled by it. It is a vicious cycle though, because the sufferer is stuck with managing their feelings using their eating disorder or being overwhelmed and not coping at all. So it is a cycle of dependency on behaviours that the sufferer knows about (because they are usually very clever) but feel powerless to do anything about. It is an understatement how annoying this must be for the person suffering with these symptoms.

We all wish there was a solution, preferably a quick and easy one for these complex symptoms and dynamics. But most people who have been caught in the middle of these problems is that there is not a quick and easy answer. What we have found after the first few treatment rounds failed, is that we have had to try different things in the hope that it will make a difference. I think that it is about helping my son find something that is bigger than the illness itself, that make life worth living. We have recently been exploring Buddhism, which has the most amazing and insightful philosophy imaginable. My son is truly enchanted with this way of thinking and although it is a small crack showing a little light, as delicate as it is, it gives us hope, hope that there is something that will offer my son a will to live and breath as he so deserves. And that is it – hope – that word again – we have to have hope. All of us, even without severe mental health problems in our lives need hope for better lives, a secure future and job, hope that we will be successful and feel comfortable with our lot, or hope for whatever your personal preference is, but without it, we are lost and the illness, or darkness, or negative thought patterns, or whatever your poison is,  is securely in the driving seat. So I hope my son never gives up hope as we will never give up on him.